twitter fail blog
sharing the good, and exposing the best of the worst on twitter
Amazing New Hands-Free Twitter App!
Tired of working your fingers to the bone updating your status on twitter?
Wish you could tweet 24/7, but don’t always have both hands free?
Frustrated that you sometimes have to go offline, and your twitter account goes for a full minute, or gasp! an hour without an update?
We have the answer for you!
Introducing the Butt Tweeter TM. Put this handy device in your back pocket and let your buns do the talking.
Listen to what some of our happy customers have to say:
@argylejegirl: I no longer have to worry about fumbling on the field. With New Butt Tweeter, it’s easy to keep score.
Butt Tweeter TM is the only texting device approved for use while driving. Don’t let a quick trip to the store interrupt your valuable twitter time!
Got a quick question?
Want to give instant feedback?
Butt Tweeter TM is the only hands-free device that works every time, everywhere, all day long!
@sarahbellumd says: Who needs high priced tutors? With Butt Tweeter, I can do math anywhere, anytime, and my grades have never been better!
Can’t tweet in class, in church, or at the dinner table? With Butt Tweeter TM, you’ll be able to tweet 24/7, and tell everyone exactly how you feel, no matter where you are!
How does it work? Just install our free Butt Tweeter TM application on any SMS-enabled device or smartphone, place the phone in your back pocket, and you’re good to go.
Don’t have a back pocket? No problem! Our universal adapter fits any size phone, and is adjustable to fit even the largest derriere!
What are you waiting for? Get your Butt Tweeter TM today, and keep on tweeting!
Disclaimer: Some assembly required. Your mileage may vary. Use of Butt Tweeter TM with drugs or alcohol may result in negative repercussions. Do not use in the shower, or while sleeping. Don’t take wooden nickels. Removal of this tag may be punishable by law. Not for use by anyone under the age of 18, or over the age of 65. Batteries not included. No animals were harmed in testing this device. No warranty is made to the accuracy of any statements herein. Consult a doctor before using. Remember the Alamo.
Come on, it’s not that bad
Whenever the Fail Bird Handler is singing, husband brings her a pain pill. Evidently, twitter feels the same way.
Everyone’s a critic.
They’re dead, Dave
Everybody, Dave. Everybody’s dead, Dave. They’re all dead. Everybody’s dead, Dave.
…and so began the best scifi comedy series, ever.
Which brings us to LOST, which wasn’t a comedy at all. Or, so we assume. We watched part of the first episode, and kept up with the story line by watching The Soup. Just in case we missed something, our friend, @tremendousnews recapped the full 6 seasons in 60 seconds. He’s a genius.
Sorry, we probably should have said “spoiler alert.” But, in case you missed it, they’re all dead. Were dead the whole time. We’re guessing the writers were hallucinating their way through another season when the brass upstairs told them they had to bring this to a close. Suspension of disbelief can evidently be stretched just so far. So, like all good writers, they hunkered down to wrap everything up, all nice and clean.
Ha! We’re kidding. They were so far out on a limb, there was nothing left but air, so they thought, “what the hell, we’ll just say they were dead all the time. Kind of a Jacob’s Ladder-Dallas-Sixth Sense sort of thing. But with spooky smoke monsters and hugging. It will be awesome!”
Why didn’t we watch Lost? Because we hate remakes, and Gilligan’s Island was a Classic. It’s a pretty safe bet that Lost never featured a computer made with coconuts and bamboo. And, you never saw anyone on Lost in an evening gown. You don’t mess with perfection like that.
We couldn’t figure out why Lost lasted six seasons. But we’re not as confused as this guy:
Would anyone like any toast?
Is there an echo in here?
What’s the sweetest sound in the world? Dale Carnegie said it’s the sound of your own name.* Calling someone by their name is the quickest way to grab and hold their attention. If you say it often enough, but not enough to become an annoying twit (Hi Marcia!), it also influences them subconsciously to like you.
We’re thinking @TamelaJaeger likes herself a lot. So much so, that when she wasn’t hearing her name mentioned enough by other people, she decided to take matters into her own hands.
Since she is “the founder of 100% photo real human skin texturing in 3D,” we’re not sure whether @TamelaJaeger is real or Memorex, but like a misfiring Stepford Wife, repeating herself is now completely out of control.
Okay, so she’s repeating and retweeting herself. It couldn’t get any sillier than that.
Oops. We spoke too soon.
Retweeting a #FF recommendation so the people following her will see someone else recommended her for Follow Friday, so they can…what? Follow her? Or maybe they’ll want to jump on the #FF bandwagon and #FF her, so she can retweet that? This has the potential to create an endless loop that could cause the internets to spin in on themselves and create a rift in the time-space continuum, which will bring reality as we know it to an end.
Or not.
Either way, would someone please whack the side of the twitter cabinet ?
Thanks.
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*Wikipedia is our bible: Dale Carnegie
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