Lisa Call Your Mom (She’s Concerned)

Alternative Title: This is Why Iowa Passed a Law Against Driving and Texting

Disclaimers:

• If the jokes in this post end up being true I will feel like a major ass.¹
• I believe everything I have written here firmly lands within the protections granted parody and/or fair use.²
• The name of my lawyer is Marc J. Randazza.³
• No one is forcing you to read this.⁴
• I would like a much bigger house. With a pool. And servants.⁵

People disappear all the time. *Poof* and they are gone. If this happens to be an attractive white woman or child, Nancy Grace will make a show about it, and she’ll shill some product or another for a few exploitive bucks.

There’s little difference on twitter. They say if you go missing for 6 months then you too will go *poof* but look through your oldest inactive followers and you will see someone is lying. Twitter is no more likely to bring themselves to delete an inactive account than a 14-year-old lesbian is to throw away a two-year-old issue of “Cosmo Girl.” The main difference here is no one cares when you update on twitter, so no one cares when you stop either. Well, no one except for me.

Take Cheryl Finello for example. She asked on Apr. 16th, “did any of you miss me???” and again on Dec. 16th, “anybody miss me?” (this time with a singular question mark signaling a spiraling descent into obvious despair. The narrative here is easy to reconstruct; presumably no one missed poor Ms. Finello so she went away… hopefully forever. The only other possible explanation: she realized there was no money to be had in her get-rich-quick schemes so she set out to get a real job.

Now, prepare for a tale of true sorrow. Exit one Lisa Holmer (this story begins with her departure). I present a transcript of her final 10 tweets:

Who is this?
1:57 PM Aug 30th, 2009 via txt

What?
11:30 AM Oct 14th, 2009 via txt

I do not know who you are and am about to complain!
2:27 PM Oct 15th, 2009 via txt

I am calling my phone company if you do not stop texting me!
12:31 PM Oct 19th, 2009 via txt

Stop spamming me!
10:48 PM Dec 7th, 2009 via txt

Stop texting me!
11:20 AM Dec 8th, 2009 via txt

I am calling the fcc now. You are breaking the law.
12:50 PM Dec 8th, 2009 via txt

Please stop texting me!!!
12:44 AM Dec 9th, 2009 via txt

Stop calling me!
12:21 AM Dec 24th, 2009 via txt

Something is wrong with me. My eyes are doing something odd. I am not sure i can drive. Give me a few minutes.
1:30 PM Dec 25th, 2009 via txt

These final updates occur over the course of four months! She’s getting texts and calls from from someone that is making her unhappy.

This is either brilliant performance art and the MOMA will be acquiring her twitter feed (like they did @) or something has gone wrong in Ms. Holmer’s life. A true reconstruction of the events leading up to the disappearance of Ms. Holmer is impossible, but this does not preclude wild speculation and a quick google stalking!

Wild Speculation:

• After a prolonged and organized campaign of harassment and terror, Holmer finally buckled, and gave up all social media.
• Didja Public Relations folded so @Didjapr was no longer needed.
• Her eyes continued to do odd things and a few minutes was all she had left.
• Ms. Holmer has joined the ranks of millions of others that has realized social media is a fad!
• The Rapture arrived, and since you’re reading this… you weren’t one of the lucky ones like her.
• The Grays! The Grays!

Stalking:
You’ll have to do your own stalking. Sure I could do your work for you, but I firmly believe that if I give a man a fish I should be paid for it (or something like that). But things you can look for: 1. A Facebook profile. 2. Additional twitter accounts. 3. A Linked In profile. 4. A business webpage. 5. Her email address. 6. Her middle name. 7. Her ring size. Consider this a virtual scavenger hunt. I found all but one of these! (If any of you figure out her ring size let me know.)

I couldn’t find any internet activity for Holmer in 2010, but to be honest, I’m lazy and didn’t try to become her Facebook friend, nor did I join Linked In, and lastly, I couldn’t be bothered to actually email her and ask. For all I know I’m worrying needlessly!

Quick, someone call Nancy Disgrace, and let her know a white woman has gone missing!

(image shamelessly cribbed from babble.com)

1. Except for the ones about Nancy Grace. I am genetically predisposed to never feel bad about anything that ever happens to this woman.
2. If you disagree, I have to respectfully request that you go fuck yourself then contact my lawyer Marc. J. Randazza.
3. Marc has no idea I have written this.
4. I can’t stop you from suing me.
5. I would like a much bigger house. With a pool. And servants.

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Thank you to Christopher L. Jorgensen, aka: Jackassletters, for taking the time and energy to look into and report on this serious(?) issue. You can read more of his investigative writing on his blog or follow him on twitter.

The Secret to Fewer Followers

Another great Guest Post from Honorary Fail Bird Handler @jackassletters, who, when he’s not writing funny letters to companies who deserve a nudge in the ribs, torments “social media experts” on twitter as @smmonkey.

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When someone comes along and says “you’re using twitter wrong” it generally means they don’t get the medium. If they think you’re doing a shitty job of putting yourself out there, they have some options: they can not follow you, they can block you, they can report your ass (the efficacy of this is questionable, but it’s an option). So it’s pretty unproductive to point out to people when they are fucking up on twitter. In fact I’d say it’s pretty much pointless.

Oh, crap. What’s the focus of Twitter Fail Blog again? Sorry. I forgot. Like I said, people who tell other people how they should be using twitter generally don’t get twitter. That’s fine. I’m the first to admit I don’t get it, which is why I feel free to tell people when they are doing it wrong. I’m guessing this is also why @tweet_fail has a site dedicated to telling people about twitter failures (no one tell her she’s tilting at windmills).

Nothing is going to change anything here. No one will modify their behavior off of what’s been written. So why bother?

Well, because you’re doing it wrong, and we have fun mocking you for it.

Today I am here to laugh at follower counts.

I’ve done it! I’ve finally managed to get my followers below 4,000!

I know what you’re thinking, “But Mr. Assletters, people want more followers, not less! Also, what do you care who follows you? You don’t have to follow them back.“

And I have answers to these questions.

First off, the follower game is rigged. It’s a masturbatory experience that feels good while your numbers are climbing, but eventually it gets boring. Yeah, I know, this is a poor analogy, since I’m mostly 40 and I’m not sure masturbation ever ceases to be fun (I’ll ask the next old dude I see and get back to you!). Regardless, in the end, number count isn’t satisfying to any but those new to twitter and the superficial.

Some might accuse me of being envious here, since I don’t even have 4,000 followers. Others might wish they had half as many followers as me. I honestly have gotten to a point where I want fewer followers. Sure, I want people to follow, but I care more about whether the person actually engages, is funny, entertaining, thoughtful, caring, interesting, etc., than I do about that one extra number.

I’ve written previously about how easy it is to amass followers. I think I may have also mentioned that it was a bad idea. I’d easily have over 10,000 followers on this account if I allowed it. According to twitblock.org I’ve blocked 6,402 people. According to twitterholic.com I once had 5,500+ followers. It’s a pretty safe assumption that if I let every pornbot, spammer, and Social Media Expert follow me I’d have well above 10,000 followers (especially since these accounts attract more of the same). But to what end? Not one will read anything I write.

There’s a fairly consistent breakdown of new accounts that follow me. I ignore half, block a quarter, and follow a quarter (this discounts the obvious spammer accounts that get reported). Of the 25% I follow I end up unfollowing about half of these. This formula has served me well.

Recently I decided I was going to focus on getting the number of accounts I follow down as well, so that I could engage with more people on a deeper level. I fired up Twitter Karma to see how many accounts weren’t updating. I was able to bail on about a thousand people that haven’t updated in 100 days or more! I then used The Twit Cleaner to find the people who only post links or engage in “other dodgy behavior.”

I was shocked that about one in five of the people following me hadn’t updated in over 100 days. That’s pretty staggering if you think about it. I’m guessing this might be a universal truth. Check it out yourself, let me know if I am wrong. But if I am correct this means Ashton Kutcher has 900,000 inactive accounts following him. What’s the point of this? It’s pretty likely if a person hasn’t updated in 100 days they never will again. So unfollowing is obvious.

But why boot someone? Why not just let them hang on like one of those lampreys on the side of a shark? Well, the only answer I have is that I’d rather have 3,000 real followers than 4,500 with 1,500 being inactive. When I look at that number I know it’s curated. I know the majority of those people are real. I also know there are damn few questionable accounts. A follow by me really is an endorsement of sorts, and someone in my following list is probably safe (at worst just uninteresting) since I get rid of obvious asshats.

Once I unfollowed all the inactive accounts my counts seemed a bit dishonest to me. I’d look at the number of people following me and know that many were now just ghosts. My follow/follower ratio was such that I looked like I was an aspiring celebrity. So I forced them to unfollow.

How do you do this? It’s fairly easy. You block them, then unblock them. Don’t just “undo” the block, since this makes it as though it never happened. Fully block, then unblock. In the unlikely event this person decides their twitter absence was a mistake, and you’re truly missed, you can be followed again later (of the 1,500 people I’ve done this to exactly 1 has refollowed).

I like having fewer followers. The only thing that sucks about this is I haven’t figured out a way to charge for my Get Fewer Followers system. Seriously, I know that for the most part that anyone in my following column is actually amused by the stupid crap I spout and is there because they want to read what I have to say and engage me on it.

My challenge to you: Give the stale accounts the boot. Twitter should be doing this for you anyway. Pick a timeline. Three months, six months, whatever you like and start blocking and unblocking. You won’t get anything from it other than the satisfaction of knowing you’re not playing the numbers game.

Check in with me again in a year. I really doubt I’ll ever climb above 5,000 again.

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Take a chance; see if @jackassletters will let you follow him on twitter. Then, blow off work for the rest of the day and read his blog.

If you’re aching for more from @jackassletters, see his guest post “Art for Art’s Sake” on @stinginthetail’s blog.

© of this post belongs to @jackassletters, a.k.a. Christopher L. Jorgensen

Guy Kawasaki did not invent that motorbike…

Today’s Guest Post is by our good friend @stinginthetail. She’s is a writer, blogger, singer/songwriter, and  genuinely nice person, even if, by her own admission she is The Queen of Darkness.

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This is my first ever guest post – Tweet Fail asked me around the middle of last year, and i’ve only just got it together. It’s very exciting and i’ve got the Twitterati to help make it go with a bang….

Let’s start with Guy Kawasaki, who deserves a visit from the Fail Bird. He doesn’t really get Twitter. I thought this last year when i blogged about unfollowing him. I offer proof, something he tweeted at me yesterday (10th January 2010 my time), in reply to something i said…

GuyKawasaki:@stinginthetail This explains what you can do: http://holykaw.alltop.com/the-art-of-the-repeat-tweet (not linked on principle)

But Mr Kawasaki, (or the minions who tweeted the above for him), I wasn’t asking for your assistance, quite the opposite. I was expressing my contempt for your lack of Twitter savvy while putting yourself forward as some kind of internet tech guru with your finger on the pulse of the world. What i said was…

stinginthetail:why i unfollowed GK RT @detlef_c RT @smallbiztrends “Repeat your tweets” says @GuyKawasaki. CNN repeats their news every hour. #opences #CES

For those not that familiar with Twitter, i was retweeting something the rather excellent @detlef_c RT’d, and adding my own comment – “why i unfollowed GK“. I unfollowed Guy Kawasaki because so much of his tweetstream was repeated, with no warning that posts were something he tweeted previously. I blogged about following then unfollowing him at the time – i also didn’t like that he wasn’t actually running his own account, but leaving it for assistants to do.

Now, to be honest, i do retweet my blog or things i think are insanely important. But i say “for those who missed it earlier” or “this is a re-retweet” or words to that effect. With my blog, I quote a little bit, in case they forget they’ve read it – “the post with bacon and sharks“. But what GK doesn’t get, as he justifies himself with saying CNN does it – is that CNN is boring – they repeat nothing, over and over. It’s news taken to the level of “sad”. I don’t get why GK thinks boring us the way CNN do is okay.

Guy Kawasaki says (on the post he/minions sent me to)….

“if you hate the repeat tweets because you are online a lot (could the problem be that you’re on Twitter too much and not that I repeat tweets?) or you don’t follow a lot of people, I have several solutions for you:…”

Ah yes, way to go, Guy, blame the messenger. Let’s have a good swipe at the people who are saying, “Oi, Kawasaki, why are u repeating each tweet at least 3 times with no warning? I click on all of them, because i trust you to send me good stuff to click on!” Note the italics, they’re to highlight that part.

That’s the subtext of their complaints, and mine, (you betrayed my trust!) and telling us that we don’t have enough friends, that we’re twitter junkies or sad internet shut-ins, isn’t really the way to address that. (Funny, that post seems to be by Guy himself, and wow, am i glad i unfollowed that person.)

Me, i am not on Twitter 24:7, but i have a memory – if i click on the same story repeated, i will eventually unfollow that person. GK’s also ignoring that people scroll back in his tweet stream, looking for articles, hoping that some of his moneymaking ability will rub off on them. His twitter is basically like a feed, not like following a real person.

Of course, Guy doesn’t care, he’s rich and really only has to be nice to other rich people who can afford to invest in him and his businesses. Twitter is just to show them he is hip, and has a public. Fans. Look at me, i have fans. *facepalm*

Let’s face it, if people like Britney, Michael Jackson, and OJ Simpson still have loyal fans despite their behaviour, then who in their right mind wants fans – or cares what they say? Guy Kawasaki does suggest one stops following him and follows @alltop – another of his accounts – so you only get one of each tweet.

Me, i just unfollowed. Enough people RT everything GK says, if it’s good, it will get to me – i have excellent people i follow on Twitter. I decided (with help from GK and others) that i was only interested in people who were (a) real and (b) likely to tweet back.

It’s why i stopped following @guykawasaki, @stephenfry, @mrskutcher, (Demi Moore) @aplusk (Ashton Kutcher), and even @eddieizzard. I am not on Twitter to be their fan. To be honest, i don’t do ‘fan’ very well at all. Especially, no matter how much i like your work, I can’t help thinking that if you behave like a twat, i don’t want anything to do with you.

Now, I don’t mind if i follow you and you’re not my best bud, but if i go to the trouble to answer a question, the least you can do (even if you got a thousand tweets on the subject), is to say a group thanks (no names required, just ‘thanks everyone’), but some celebrities don’t even manage that. Guy Kawasaki doesn’t even manage his own tweets, his are minion-tweeted.

Guy Kawasaki may be one of the Twitterati, (he has 200,000+ followers) but I see people every day with tens or even hundreds of thousands of followers, who are just spammers. Some of them are known spam criminals -here’s a convicted Australian spammer with 71,000 followers on Twitter.

Follower numbers on Twitter mean nothing - any bint with a cleavage showing can get 2,000 followers inside a few days, even when the pic is obviously fake. Then “she” hands it over (for a fee) to some sucker of an online marketer who thinks the people attracted by cleavage will be good people to sell to. Erm. Twitter fail.

Don’t assume that because someone is a Twitter celebrity, because others sycophantically retweet everything they say, that they’ll be good to follow. Guy Kawasaki isn’t a good follow. To be honest, if i was going to pick a celeb to follow, i’d go for someone like @Alyssa_Milano – 400,000+ followers, and she tweets her own tweets – not because i’m into her, i’m not – but she tweets at her fans and engages them.

Even with thousands of people saying “Alyssa, Alyssa, look at me, look at me!” she finds time to say things to people, just to be a nice person. One of her favourite games seems to be tweeting at someone who really doesn’t expect her to notice them, and wow, Twitter win, Alyssa. She gets her followers and she keeps them.

I still have two celebrities. Celeb One, she followed me, (I didn’t know she was a celeb, as she is a US one, but i googled her), though she does amuse me, she’s on the edge of the Unfollow Chasm of Doom, because i’ve tweeted several things to her and not got a reply. However, i checked, (search for the person’s @name, you can see what’s being said to them, you may be shocked at how many are tweeting) and several people tweeted at her, at the same time, so fair enough, she gets some more rope.

Celeb Number Two, i followed him. Yes, I’m still following @RealBillBailey (you might know him as Manny, the long-haired bookshop assistant in “Black Books”). Why? I dumped Stephen Fry and Eddie Izzard, fellow funnymen, after all. Well, it’s like this. Bill tweeted back. It was a deep convo about pollution, i commented, he commented back, i nearly died and didn’t know what to say! (Yes, i went all “fan-ny” for a while.) But it meant i’m loyal to him. He’s not even following me, but because he once, months ago, bothered to tweet back, i’m going to give him a lot of time. Besides, he’s funny, interesting, and gives good twitter.

Stephen Fry’s Twitter Fail was covered previously in this blog,  but i must say, i was very disappointed in his behaviour. I’d unfollowed him ages ago, tired of being one of a quarter of a million people nodding and smiling at his every move. He’s now got around 1.2 million followers.  However, I unfollowed him because he was boring- like @brumplum did.

Nobody is allowed to say say that on Twitter, not with Mr Fry’s followers and some of his friends waiting to twitterbash anyone who dares to criticise. It’s the same with Guy Kawasaki. So many people trying to suck up to him, they don’t even see when he’s being a pillock.

So, Guy Kawasaki – Twitter FAIL, mate. Read the tweet before you respond – basic Twittiquette. Don’t bash people who say they don’t like the way you tweet, when it’s your inability to do something simple, like let them know it’s a repeat, that is the problem. Don’t take it personally and then have a spiteful dig back at them. Don’t do a @StephenFry.

Basic common sense really – @guykawasaki’s minions could learn about reading content before one responds.

Funnily, like GK says in his post, i reckon anyone who says they don’t like my tweets can unfollow me – but then i tweet originals, let people know when i’m repeating, and don’t tweet the same thing day after day, so me saying it doesn’t make me sound like a pillock.

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Now that you’ve finished reading this awesome post, follow stinginthetail on twitter, and read her blog. But before you go, please say something nice to her in the comments. Comments are like crack to bloggers. We always want more. And she deserves them.

How to Get Fewer Followers on Twitter and Why This is a Good Thing

Today’s Guest Post was written by @jackassletters. After you read this post, follow him on twitter and then go to his website and laugh your ass off. You’ll also want to check out Puppy Pot Pie. If  you’re a Social Media Marketer, you probably have no sense of humor and would be totally insulted will really appreciate this resource.
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How to Get Fewer Followers on Twitter and Why This is a Good Thing

or: Ignore my advice and skip to the penultimate line for a free and guaranteed system to get 15,000 followers!

You’ve seen the offers. You’ve seen people with a lot of followers. Some of these people aren’t even celebrities and have nothing interesting to say, but still have more followers than that Gandhi guy and you’re jealous. You too want and need more followers!

I’m here to tell you anyone can have tons of followers. Even you! Hell, people will follow a monkey that does nothing but make fun of marketers and hasn’t updated in over a month! There’s no reason you can’t be more popular than an almost dead monkey!

People want followers on twitter. People want lots of followers. The more the better. You can’t follow more than 100 people without having someone promising you a system to get more followers. Somehow people see this arbitrary number as some kind of valuable metric and place part of their self-worth on those digits. It’s like penis envy brought to both sexes. Bigger is better, baby! Right?

It seems as though there may even be people making a living off selling “get more followers” systems to the desperate. Max exposure! I mean who doesn’t want more followers? Who wants to be the 98 pound weakling getting sand kicked in his face? More more more! The logic goes something like: having 100 followers means when I say something up to 100 people can potentially read what I have to say, so having a thousand followers means I have 10 times as many potential readers. Etc. Etc. until I can wave my hand in some hypnotic gesture and send my followers wherever I’d like them to go. With enough followers I can even make money!

It doesn’t work this way. But I’ll get into that in a bit, and if you still disagree, and still need that external validation of 15,000 followers, stick around I will reveal a guaranteed and free method to get at least this many (like it’s hard).

People are concerned with the wrong side of the following/followers ratio. This is because twitter, as a medium, is mostly me me me! “What are you doing?” is the question that you must answer, so you answer again and again, hitting that update button like a mouse stimulating a direct link to the pleasure center of its brain! It’s less about reading what other people are doing (after all they are mice too), and more about that damn empty box begging for an update. But updates are worthless without followers, right? Tree falling in the woods with no one to hear and all that. Sorry to get all deep and philisophical (how’s that spelled again?).

So you go out, following people until twitter won’t let you follow any more, hoping for the reach-around-follow-back. When you smack up against those limits you wait a day, or unfollow those people too stupid to follow back your brilliance, all the while updating people about your latest blog post, bodily functions, and political views. A typical rule-of-thumb is that about a third of people out there will follow you back no matter what. You could be a self-admitted kitten abuser and people will follow you (even cat lovers). They don’t care. These people, like you, are out for followers. They want as many as they can get. One more in the collective is welcome.

Congratulations, you now have your first thousand followers. Wash, rinse, and repeat until you get to 2,000 (and remember, twitter is going to limit this, but this is easy to by-pass using a service like Your Twitter Karma or friendorfollow.com. Just visit every 3 days and bail on anyone that doesn’t follow back). Now that you have your 2,000 you can’t follow more than about 10% over the number of people you are following. It’s confusing, but don’t worry. Follower limits are like locks (they only keep out honest people). These limits don’t inconvenience people who are only out for followers, and that’s what you want, right? Follower limits are for suckers who don’t have a system!

Busting through the first limit isn’t that hard, and once you do it gets easier. Remember, 10% over the number of people following you. So once you are to 3,000 that’s 3,300 you can follow. For every 300 you follow 100 will follow back (remember the rule?). Well, obviously this is annoying when you’re hovering around the 2,000 limit, but once you get to that first 5,000 it becomes pretty hard to smack up against those limits. You’ll get carpal tunnel first.

We’re well underway! You’ll have 15,000 followers in no time! But let’s take a break to look at what people are actually saying in your timeline. You’ve followed a lot of people. There’s going to be some interesting stuff in there, right? What the fuck? That’s nearly unreadable! It’s people selling crap, auto-posting from online services you had no idea existed, and trying to get you to visit some worthless website. And none of these people are interacting with anyone. They are all just shouting into the abyss. Sorry I made you look. But remember, we don’t care about that part of the equation. It’s the followers we want.

So let’s check those out. We’ve worked so hard! Oh my God, they are all forex traders, time shares, get more follower schemes, gold/silver sellers and buyers, life coaches, etsy artists, ad streams, SEO gurus, Social Media Marketers, the skinniest mom with the whitest teeth, and why is that photo of Britney so grainy! Oh the humanity!

Speaking of humanity, some of those people have to be real, right? Probably. But the real people are only going to stick around if you’re worth following, and chances are if all you’ve been doing is concentrating on the numbers, well, then, you probably aren’t. But let’s pretend those people are all really real people who actually care what you have to say (they aren’t and they don’t, but this is the land of make-believe there, King Friday). At any given time the number of people in your followers list who are online can’t be more than 2/3rds (people sleep), many are going to be total bots, and the really real people have lives and jobs so aren’t on as much as you’d like them to be, and a large percentage of people up and quit twitter once they realize they are not going to become millionaires, so even at 15,000 followers you don’t have near the audience you were hoping for.

With this 15,000 followers maybe 1,000 will actually see your update (trust me, even this is improbably high). Let’s say all 1,000 read what you have to say and you say, “Click this link to see adorable kitty pictures!” Well, as hard as it is to believe, not everyone gives a rat’s ass about kittens. In fact, pick any topic and the majority of people won’t care. And let’s be honest here…if you’re focused on followers you’re not there to send people to kitty pictures. But your scam is your scam. I’m only here to tell you how to get more followers the follower game is for chumps!

So what’s the answer? Vet your followers. When someone follows you, check them out. See if they are real and worthwhile. Be picky about who you follow. Block and report spam accounts. Shed inactive accounts. Be wary of people with tons of followers who are also following tons (there is no possible way they can engage that many people). You’ll be much happier with 500 real followers than 50,000 fake ones. I follow about 25% of the people who follow me. I block and report about 25%. And the other 50% I ignore. If they want to follow, that’s great. If they interact I may change my mind. On occasion I’ll go out and follow someone who seems to be interacting with someone I already follow, but again, I’m picky. No ads, interacts, and has something more than an agenda.

If you follow quality people who are actually producing compelling content you don’t need to care if they follow back. They are a pleasure to read. If you reciprocate people will seek you out, the things you have to say will be repeated, and you’ll actually be read a lot more than if you just go for the numbers. And when you post a link people will actually pay attention.

By the way, that monkey I was talking about? September 08, 2009 I stopped updating the monkey. It reached 15,000 followers sometime right around then. My goal was 15,000 followers in 15 days (it took me about twice that long, but in my defense that was a lot of damn clicking!). Today the monkey commits twiticide! It will unfollow all 15,000. We’ll see how many stick around because they actually find the monkey funny (it will tweet again!), and how many just wanted the extra follower.

As far as I can tell the Social Media Monkey hasn’t lost any followers while hibernating. How did it do this?

Easy, it just followed everyone who follows @whatma. Those people will follow anyone (well, at least one third of them will). So as promised:

The free and guaranteed system to get 15,000 followers is to follow everyone who follows @whatma.

But I wouldn’t recommend it. Oh, and my condolences @Matisyahu on reaching 1,000,000 followers.

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Christopher L. Jorgensen is the foremost authority on Social Media Marketing in North America, knows more about SEO than you ever will, and has a highly successful ferret grooming business. He’s also been known to write a letter or two. You can follow him on twitter: @jackassletters, but chances are he won’t follow you back.