You know, on the Ghost Whisperer, how Jennifer Love-Hewitt hears ghosts, and nobody else does, and they’re pretty sure she’s nutty, and maybe the creepy things are really her fault, because, hello, she’s the one hearing voices, so what do you think? Okay, in real life, she sparkles her vajayjay, so she definitely is pretty nutty, but that’s not the point. The point is, she talks to people who technically don’t exist.

That’s kind of like all those people on twitter who protect their tweets.

When your tweets are protected, using #hashtags is worthless, because your tweets don’t show up anywhere outside your twitter vault. It’s kind of like voting for Ralph Nader. Nice try, but it doesn’t mean anything.

Nobody wants to apply to be your friend. Just saying.

We try to keep things fresh. Interact with new people, share new stories, mix things up a bit. If you’re active on twitter, you run the risk that at some point you’re going to repeat yourself. It could be a joke that you tell more than once, or a habit of saying the same greeting every morning or night.

Some people just don’t even try.

Yes, we get it. Ha ha. But 7,137 times? It’s time to try something new. Oh, yeah, the link in your bio that loops endlessly until the browser times out? That’s not particularly funny, either.

We’ve got to admit we’re really stymied by this one. It’s not just that @FluffytheCat has wasted bandwidth by tweeting “Meow” 177 times, but that 15,550 are following so they don’t miss a single one.

Is it possible that ol’ Fluffy has been catting around, gaming the system just to get a bunch of followers who aren’t necessarily interested in what she has to say? Hard to imagine, since she’s such a fantastic conversationalist.

Bill the Cat could teach Fang and Fluff a thing or two about interesting commentary. Go ahead guys, try hacking up a hairball and see if it expands your vocabulary. We’ll wait.

Over there.

We never tried to get into Studio 54. Any club with a doorman whose main function is to keep the riff-raff out takes one look at us and sends us packing. 

Remember that scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts tries to buy some clothes on Rodeo Drive and the saleswomen are rude to her? And how she went back to the hotel all upset because no one would let her buy anything? That’s why we don’t shop at the fancy stores. We can’t take that kind of rejection.

It looks like @GOnSHOPn has the same problem. We’re pretty much used to getting rejected by a bunch of rice cake eating, bottled water sipping size zeroes, but rejection by a short url service? That’s harsh. And pretty funny when it’s your entire twitter stream.

Now that we’re feeling all superior and stuff, we’re going to head to the Cherry Creek Mall to snub the bitches at Louis Vuitton.

Send in the Fail Bird! Tell them you saw them on twitter-fail

Throughout history, great men have amassed a huge following from doing good deeds, saying amazing things that get quoted until the end of time, and making their mark in the world. Followers carry their mission forward.

@matt6701 is not one of those great men. He’s working really hard on the followers part of the equation, but is missing the most important piece – a great message. Once all these people start following you, @matt6701, what do you have to say?

We’ll tell you what’s on his mind:  stealing your credentials and taking over your twitter account. Firefox throws up a warning when clicking on each of those links:

This web site at addfollowers.net (and morefollowers.info, needfollowers.com, followadd.net)  has been reported as a web forgery and has been blocked based on your security preferences.

Web forgeries are designed to trick you into revealing personal or financial information by imitating sources you may trust.

Entering any information on this web page may result in identity theft or other fraud.

(click on image for a larger view)

Why would anyone want to steal your twitter credentials? To spread a virus, perhaps. (Remember Mikeyy?) Maybe he just wants to spread false rumors, or make you look stupid. Or attempt to trick your friends into sending money to help you out. Only it’s not you.  (Happens more often than you’d believe.)

Okay, so he’s targeting people who are amassing a huge following for the sole purpose of having a huge following. Maybe they weren’t popular in school, or are compensating for low self-esteem, or a physical inadequacy. Point and laugh if you like, or exploit them like we do, but  some people need huge numbers to give their life meaning. And, without them, we wouldn’t have this post. So, thank you, clueless tweeps for providing us with content, once again.

Send in the Fail Bird! Tell them you saw them on twitter-fail

People (you know, They) say that history is important because it repeats itself, so you have to pay attention, as if remembering the dates of the War of 1812 will actually help you do more in life than pass 7th grade. That’s why we loved studying Mythology when we were in school, because it is like history that didn’t really happen. It is full of life lessons, and morals, and can help you become a better person, and all that, plus it was cool that the teachers were so serious about stuff that was totally make-believe.

Mythology is full-on geek stuff; D&D of the Middle Ages, or whenever that was. Muscled men, scantily-clad women, silly names and all. One pretty popular mythological character was Narcissus (see, here’s where Wikipedia picks us up) shows up in a lot of tales. We were supposed to learn from the tales that Narcissus was an asshole who treated everyone who loved him like crap (like some guys we’ve known) but what everyone really remembers is how much he loved himself. Kind of like @NySoFckinFierce, who in less than an hour, posted all these pictures of herself on twitpic:

as well as these

and these

Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in a pool. He pined away there for the love of his life that he could never have, and eventually died. (The end)

So, what’s the moral of this story? There really isn’t one, since now, thanks to modern technology, @NySoFckinFierce can take the image of her soul-mate with her everywhere. We still recommend keeping her away from the koi pond, just to be safe.

Send in the Fail Bird! Tell them you saw them on twitter-fail

Thanks to Honorary Fail Bird Handler @agent_x for alerting us to this tweep. Want to be mentioned (favorably) on this blog? Find a twitter fail, and email us either the static link, or a screenshot of the fail, and you might find your name here.