Hey Batter Batter

Our player, @boydazz steps up to the plate, and takes a pitch.

Strike One!


Is @smashlee227 following @boydazz?

 
Undaunted, he chokes up on the bat and swings again.
 
Strike Two!


Does @ChristinaLJ follow @boydazz?

 
No way is he going to walk away from the plate now.
 
Strike Three!


Does @mollycool follow @boydazz?

 
No matter how well he spins it, @boydazz isn’t going to make it to first base.
 

 
Perhaps you can give him some advice in the comments.

 
Thanks to Honorary Fail Bird Handler @mollycool for inadvertently bringing this fail to our attention.

Send in the Twitter Fail Bird! Tell them you saw them on Twitter Fail

You’re Dead to Me

You know, on the Ghost Whisperer, how Jennifer Love-Hewitt hears ghosts, and nobody else does, and they’re pretty sure she’s nutty, and maybe the creepy things are really her fault, because, hello, she’s the one hearing voices, so what do you think? Okay, in real life, she sparkles her vajayjay, so she definitely is pretty nutty, but that’s not the point. The point is, she talks to people who technically don’t exist.

That’s kind of like all those people on twitter who protect their tweets.

When your tweets are protected, using #hashtags is worthless, because your tweets don’t show up anywhere outside your twitter vault. It’s kind of like voting for Ralph Nader. Nice try, but it doesn’t mean anything.

Nobody wants to apply to be your friend. Just saying.

Gone in 60 Seconds

The original 1974 version of “Gone in 60 Seconds” was a totally crap movie, and the most awesome car chase film in the history of moving pictures. Don’t watch the remake, it’s even bigger crap than the original, with none of the awesomeness.

The crappy dialogue of either movie was a kajillion times better than the sewage spewed into this twitter stream:

Of course, we had to respond:

Hi Steve @resultscarpet my name is TwitterFail. You are the spammer asshat bot fail of the day. Your suspension is looming.

Why do we say this? Because in the wonderful self-correcting world that is twitter, the tweeps respond.

We’re pretty sure this isn’t the type of activity Steve was hoping for:

The trick is to get them laughing with you, not at you, Steve.

The ones who weren’t laughing at Steve struck back:

Twitter will soon be rid of Steve, because every one of these tweeps has a “block” button (and his phone number, BTW – smart one Steve). As soon as enough people report the spam and block old Stevie, he’ll be a distant blip on the screen.

That’s not as satisfying as crumpled metal and screeching tires, so, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got a date with Eleanor.

Thanks to @_T_a_y_ for the alert!

Can’t Hear You

We don’t want to get all philosophical on you, but we’re reminded of the age old question, “If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?” This will make sense in a minute.

Twitter has this really handy @reply/mentions feature built in, so you can see anytime someone talks to you, or mentions your name by clicking the Mentions link (@yourname) on your twitter page. Or in TweetDeck, Seesmic, PocketTwit, or Twikini, or any of the hundreds (?) of other apps you can use to access twitter. All someone has to do to make sure you see it is precede your username with the @ symbol.

This is twitter 101, people.

There’s still a bunch of people who just don’t get it. They think they are talking to their friends, and wonder why they never get an answer.

It’s because their friends, unless they are complete self-important blowhard egotists who have a permanent search set up to notify them evey time anyone mentions their name anywhere (Hi Marcia!), or socially inept losers who set up the same search and check it constantly in the hopes someone will please oh please talk to them, they will never see the tweet because the rocket scientists couldn’t be bothered to put the @ symbol in front of their name.

Of course, @Oprah won’t hear you, whether you include the @ or not. In the 9 months she’s been tweeting, she has never tweeted a real person. Never retweeted anything from anyone who wasn’t in her inner circle. Every day, thousands of people call out to her on twitter, and she’s never responded to a single one.

It’s because she’s too busy telling people to tune in (What? Her minions don’t already have her on Tivo?)

…and #FF herself.

That kind of behavior is one reason why we don’t follow her, or any celebrities. We don’t need them to ignore us. We get ignored by plenty of regular people every day.

Heard You The First Time

Sometimes it’s really hard to condense a complete thought into just 140 characters. We write, rewrite, and pare each tweet down to its bare essence. And then there’s @xBlogs who doesn’t get the concept at all.

We think maybe they heard about how the great speakers repeat stuff to give their words greater impact. Without tonality, inflection, and body language, though, it just doesn’t work. It’s just as exciting as lather, rinse, repeat.

Seriously, dude, you don’t need to repeat yourself. We got it. Tell your robot to chill. (What? You think a real person is posting those tweets? Nope, it’s a bot. We hate bots on twitter.)

Robots do exactly what you tell them to do, exactly the way you tell them to do it. When they end up making you look stupid on twitter, you have no one to blame but yourself.

That’s a message worth repeating, but, nah, we think you got it.

Send in the Fail Bird! Tell @xBlogs you saw them on Twitter Fail