How’s That Working For You?

We say it all the time, but does anyone listen? No. Okay maybe a little. Not as much as we’d like, though, because we keep finding helpful people like this:

Isn’t this a great idea? How fun! Make friends by never actually talking to anyone. Granted, there are people we’d hate less if they would just stop talking altogether (Hi Marcia!), but that doesn’t make them our friend. And that’s not what this tweep is talking about.

The beauty in their plan is to get a whole passel of random people to follow you, forcefeed them a bunch of tweets you don’t write (and probably never read before they are posted), and your twitter account will just run itself. Sounds like a party in the making. It’s the social equivalent of feeding the hungry by tossing menus at panhandlers. Or, actually, getting someone else to throw the menus for you.

Don’t do this. We can’t believe we had to tell you that.

The wonderful part of social media is the social part. Interacting with other people. Making connections. All the stuff we harp on and on about. Advertising isn’t social. Using automated systems to flood twitter with a bunch of crap is absolutely anti-social.

We especially hate bots because they are a big reason why twitter gets overloaded. The next time you’re forced to hit “refresh” until twitter comes back up, blame a bot for your feelings of isolation and abandonment.

That’s why we’re amused when a bot goes bad, as many of them do. When they just endlessly loop the same broken link and error message, it’s as if twitter is fighting back.

How do you fight the bots? Don’t follow them back. Pay no attention to what they have to say. Refuse to click their links. When their account doesn’t get any results, the bot-sters will lose interest and jump on the next big thing. If we all ignore them, they may just buzz away.

Send in the Fail Bird! Tell @Persistence42 you saw him on Twitter Fail

Gone in 60 Seconds

The original 1974 version of “Gone in 60 Seconds” was a totally crap movie, and the most awesome car chase film in the history of moving pictures. Don’t watch the remake, it’s even bigger crap than the original, with none of the awesomeness.

The crappy dialogue of either movie was a kajillion times better than the sewage spewed into this twitter stream:

Of course, we had to respond:

Hi Steve @resultscarpet my name is TwitterFail. You are the spammer asshat bot fail of the day. Your suspension is looming.

Why do we say this? Because in the wonderful self-correcting world that is twitter, the tweeps respond.

We’re pretty sure this isn’t the type of activity Steve was hoping for:

The trick is to get them laughing with you, not at you, Steve.

The ones who weren’t laughing at Steve struck back:

Twitter will soon be rid of Steve, because every one of these tweeps has a “block” button (and his phone number, BTW – smart one Steve). As soon as enough people report the spam and block old Stevie, he’ll be a distant blip on the screen.

That’s not as satisfying as crumpled metal and screeching tires, so, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got a date with Eleanor.

Thanks to @_T_a_y_ for the alert!

We gave up after writing 10 different titles that suck, so feel free to write your own

There are times when we see a twitter stream that is so totally awful, we just need to sit back and admire its crappiness. Such is the case of @X07Brainiac, which was pointed out to us by alert Honorary Fail Bird Handler, @jackassletters.

Yes, Mr. Grammar Person, we know that a person is “who” not “which,” so we’ll point out that XO7Brainiac is not a person. It’s a bot.

“What?” we hear you saying, “How can you tell?”

The first clue:  robots don’t sound like human beings. All these posts sound amazingly similar. The formula:

1. Please Retweet
2. Item from an rss feed
3. Link
4. Hashtag

Observe:

1. The Retweet:

Only newbies, self-absorbed cretins, and bots ask everyone to retweet everything they say. We’ve talked about this before, “RT Please” just makes you look desperate and insecure, or totally fake.

2. RSS feed:

Real people, unless they’re twitter virgins, totally clueless losers, or self-important asshats, will interact with their followers, or the people they’re following, and say something original every now and then.  This bot just spits out its feed. If we want to read an rss feed about something, we’ll subscribe to it.

3. The link:

Every single tweet has a link. Read #2 again. Unless they are completely devoid of original thought, a real person will say something at some point that doesn’t include a link.

4. Hashtag:

The brainiac behind this bot thinks he can get his own username to trend, if he puts it in a hashtag at the end of every single post. So totally wrong, Wil Robinson. Terms trend when lots of people are using them. You can’t trend your own name all by yourself, so you need your friends help you out. Bots don’t have friends, because most of their followers are just as artificial as they are. And, while we’re on the subject, creating a hashtag that is your username is the most conceited, arrogant, supercilious thing to do. If @XO7Brainiac is not a bot (as if) this pomposity alone could cause him to spontaneously combust as the fire of a thousand sun shines down on his greasy, over-inflated head. (Sorry, we were daydreaming again.)

“Oooh,” you say, “he has a bunch of followers, so he must have lots of friends!” Wrong again. Follower numbers mean nothing. Some people get really envious of others’ follower count, as if numbers equal influence. Anyone can use one or more follower apps to get tons of followers. It’s one of the easiest things to do on twitter. The trick is to get followers who are interested in what you have to say. Thousands of followers who are only there because you followed them first will usually turn out to be people who are just after numbers, too. If you want people who will actually read what you have to say, fewer followers can be a very good thing. Especially if you want them to recommend you to their followers, who will follow you because you’re interesting.

Why do we hate bots on twitter? Because they use a lot of resources that could be better utilized by real people having real conversations and making real connections.  Every time you see the Fail Whale, get a 503 error, or a message that twitter is over capacity, blame the bots. Just like the Gunslinger in Westworld, their presence just ruins our fun

Is that all you’ve got?

We try to keep things fresh. Interact with new people, share new stories, mix things up a bit. If you’re active on twitter, you run the risk that at some point you’re going to repeat yourself. It could be a joke that you tell more than once, or a habit of saying the same greeting every morning or night.

Some people just don’t even try.

Yes, we get it. Ha ha. But 7,137 times? It’s time to try something new. Oh, yeah, the link in your bio that loops endlessly until the browser times out? That’s not particularly funny, either.

We’ve got to admit we’re really stymied by this one. It’s not just that @FluffytheCat has wasted bandwidth by tweeting “Meow” 177 times, but that 15,550 are following so they don’t miss a single one.

Is it possible that ol’ Fluffy has been catting around, gaming the system just to get a bunch of followers who aren’t necessarily interested in what she has to say? Hard to imagine, since she’s such a fantastic conversationalist.

Bill the Cat could teach Fang and Fluff a thing or two about interesting commentary. Go ahead guys, try hacking up a hairball and see if it expands your vocabulary. We’ll wait.

Over there.

How to look like a dork on twitter in two words

Pardon me, your bot is showing.