twitter fail blog

It seems like everyone has their own army these days. @thebloggess has an army. They formed after @WilliamShatner blocked her (the nerve!) and continue to do good works in her name. @craigyferg has his own Robot Skeleton Army, which may or may not really do anything, but have given him his lovely sidekick Geoff Peterson. Even @JustinBieber has an army. Heck, he even has his own Navy. Clearly a navy where no one has to ask or tell.

We don’t have any army. But we want one. We aren’t delusional enough to believe we’d get a spit and polish, precision-team of highly trained militia. Ours would be more like the Confederate army. They didn’t have the training or the pretty uniforms, had to provide their own weapons, and as we recall, actually lost the war, but those guys had heart.

What we do have are followers with whom we get to interact on occasion. Every now and then, they send us fails they found in the nooks and crannies of twitter. So, instead of an army, we have our own little band of spies. Now that we think about it, a covert group of spies is way cooler than an army.

When one of our undercover pals sends us something worth sharing, we bestow upon them the coveted, fleeting honor of Honorary Fail Bird Handler.

In the category of “Worst twitter spammer,” Honorary Fail Bird Handler (anonymous) shared this gem this week:

We’re guessing @mlmsexmoney678 heard that if you use the right keywords (and what is more popular than mlm bussiness sexyspot money?) people will flock to your stream to buy what you have to sell. We suppose anyone can buy a free iphone, but, would they? If so, @mlmsexmoney678 is onto something good.

In an email titled, “You’ll never know who is reading,” @codem sent us this lovely conversation, which starts out with an average, ho-hum, made it all the way around the twitterverse and back, retweeted retweet:

Followed, not surprisingly, by a snarky reply

Lo and behold, somebody at GFI was sitting with bated breath at his keyboard, repeatedly hitting F5 on their twitter search so they could jump in with their hand extended like a used-car salesman trying to hit his quota.

We can’t hold it against @GFISoftware for living up to their potential. Geeks are expected to be socially awkward.

Now we’d like to introduce you to @EJWalle, today’s queen of cluelessness. Alert Honorary Fail Bird Handler @SmurfGalak brought her to our attention. It’s a long story. Let us sum up.

Here’s the skinny: @EJWalle followed @SmurfGalak. @SmurfGalak followed back, even though @EJWalle had some spammy tweets. She should have known better.

In other words, “I don’t care one whit* who I follow, I’m not looking to make actual friends or anything.”

Things don’t go quite the way @EJWalle planned:

So, @SmurfGalak offers an explanation

and is promptly unfollowed. Goes to show some people just don’t appreciate good help.

Ever the slow-learner, @EJWalle complains again about the monster she created.

But the poor thing just can’t stop. Hooked on the bot bug, she continues her death spiral:

There’s clearly no hope for @EJWalle or @mlmsexmoney678, and there’s plenty where they came from. If you’d like to become an Honorary Fail Bird Handler and learn the secret handshake, send screenshots and/or urls of the funny, silly, really bad, or awesome fails you find to tweetfail@gmail.com or DM us on twitter.

This post will self-destruct in 30 seconds….

—–

*4 whits = 1 iota.
8 iotas = a rat’s ass.
16 rats asses = a damn.